May I impart just a little bit of life wisdom to you? Don’t sleep with poisonous snakes! You may think this is a no-brainer, but apparently, it isn’t. Who would do such a thing you ask? Well, you’re looking at him… err… reading him?! I slept with a poisonous snake in my sleeping bag! This single experience is why I am the way I am.
Let me just say; I hate snakes. They make my skin crawl, the palms of my hands get all sweaty… I MAY have screamed like a girl when I’ve seen a snake once… or twice. There are no two ways about it; I just can’t handle snakes.
I was on my first bivouac, which essentially is a giant camp out, during basic training in the Army. They give you these amazing sleeping bags which are supposed to keep you warm even in sub-zero temperatures. Because these sleeping bags were better than any others, our instructions were to not sleep in the sleeping bag wearing clothes. Let me also say; I’m not an outdoorsman. I’m a city boy who would rather stay in a hotel than sleep in a tent out in the wilderness. So believe me when I say, there was no way in HECK I was crawling into that sleeping bag in just my skivvies.
Sorry Mr. Drill Sergeant, but in case any bears come around, I need to be able to run at a moments notice. About 2 AM, it was my turn for guard duty, and the guys I was to relieve came to my little, one-man pup tent to wake me up for duty. As I unzipped my cocoon of warmth and stretched, I felt a tap on my boot. I got on my hands and knees to crawl out the tent, and a giant black snake shot out from the end of my sleeping bag.
I don’t remember much after that. When I finally stopped running and screaming, I realized I was wearing my tent, and the entire camp was now wide awake. Speaking from experience: Drill Sergeants do not like waking up in such a manner. They are kinda cranky anyway, but when you wake them up at 2 AM, you end up doing a lot of push-ups.
That’s fine! Make me do push-ups, but at least that murdering snake didn’t get to me!
While I joke about this experience now, it was traumatizing when I was living it! I’ve learned there is something about embracing hardships in my life. The opposition has made me stronger. It’s like when I go to the gym. At first, it’s hard, I hate it and cry like a baby after every workout (don’t act like I’m the only one who does this). Why is it so hard?–because I am purposely creating resistance and forcing my muscles to push through that resistance.
What happens when I consistently go to the gym and workout is I get stronger. What once seemed impossible is now something I gladly embrace. My body screamed in pain when I started but now my body rises to the challenge, and I feel great after a vigorous workout.
I have experienced things that could have left me feeling hurt, cynical, distrusting, angry and bitter. There is no getting around the fact people hurt people. Whether someone hurts us intentionally or not, we’re left to pick up the pieces which, in many cases, leaves us feeling hurt and alone.
When my mom and dad divorced, I was eight years old. I went from, one day living a happy care-free life to the next, feeling angry and confused. Unfortunately for my brother Mike and I, it didn’t just end with my parents getting a divorce.
Mike and I went to live with my dad during the summer of 1979. That summer, my dad married an extremely abusive woman, and our lives would take a nasty turn. We spent the next eight years of enduring some horrific things. I have been whipped with a belt, extension cord, dog chain and garden hose (not all at the same time…that would be insane). Being disciplined by being slapped in the face, punched, shoved or having our hair pulled was not uncommon. This list doesn’t even include the mental abuse we endured. Name calling, cursing, and guilt trips were part of my everyday life.
Don’t get me wrong; I’ve had a lifetime of working through issues because of my childhood experiences so in no way am I saying I have all of the answers. But in the end, I could choose to be angry and hold on to un-forgiveness like a badge of honor for all to see or I could choose not to allow the things that have happened to me define me. Because of the things I endured as a kid, I am stronger. It’s helped me understand the need to create healthy boundaries in my relationships. Not that I’m perfect by any means, but I think it’s made me a better parent as well.
Not to suggest in any way we HAVE to go through bad things like this to become strong. Nor am I diminishing the effects abuse has on people. The reason my dad and I can have a relationship today is because I realized harboring un-forgiveness ends up hurting me more than anyone else. Ultimately, I had to make a decision on how was I going to allow tragedy to affect me.
Never apologize for not being ok. We are all very different, and we process in different ways. In a society where we put so much emphasis on looking “together” and successful, it’s ok to admit you are not ok. In no way do I suggest “forgive and forget” and somehow, magically you are healed. It’s taken me till now to get to this point, and I still have a lot more work to do. What I am suggesting is that we never allow our hurts to have power over us. That we refuse to allow tragedy define us. Life is too amazing for us to allow the actions of someone else to steal that from us.
Steven L Struble 